Wednesday, March 20, 2013
On Recklessness into Your Late Twenties
With competitive sports out of my life, every so often I get a little restless. Luckily for me, there are plenty of outlets to still challenge myself physically, compete and be reckless. What's better is many of them are even legal in the United States!
It's a guy thing.
Exercising for the sake of health has never been satisfying enough. Yes, I will exercise to stay slim because I'm vain. But to go the extra mile (pun intended) it has to be for a purpose. If there's an event for which I need to train, I will work especially hard. I want to do well sure, but I want to not look stupid a whole lot more.
2 Years ago a friend approached me to do "Into the Mud" a 2.5 mile obstacle course race in Gorham. I ran one of the best races I can remember. Torched it, totally in the zone. The obstacles hardly me down boasting a 16.45 time and placing third. But it was a fun run, un-timed, and no awards given by place. It gave me that rush that running alone cannot deliver. That summer I sought out something more competittive/adventerous. Enter the spartan race.
The spartan race doesn't have the same name rand recognition as the tough mudder but what the spartan race lakes in notoriety it makes up for in sheer badassness. The nearest race was in Amesbury Mass. As fate would have it a hurricane struck and Sunday's race was cancelled. I was ever so disappointed having worked that hard for naught.
It is interesting to note that the song Iron by Woodkid was and still is my power song. I discovered it around this time as the summer before Assassin's Creed Revelations. That song, single handedly fueled my training sessions and grueling runs. I was coasting off all the adrenaline Iron makes you have. Testosterone x1000.
What song is that you ask? Oh no worries, I've only referenced it in every single post it seems. Here you go. I'll give you a few minutes to watch it then destroy all the furniture in your house as a result of the ensuing adrenaline rush.
Are you still here or are you at the base of your neighborhood with a battleaxe (where you get that thing anyway?) challenging anyone and everyone to a fight?
Flash forward next year and we're running in the make up race. I wasn't in the condition I was the year prior but as enthusiastic. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. No exaggeration I wasn't aware that if you failed to complete the obstacles the first attempt you owed 30 burpees on the spot. I forgot how many obstacles there actually were, but I did not forget how tedious and taxing they could be. For instance, it wasn't enough that you hit your target (a makeshift scarecrow) with a javalin from roughly 25 yards away, you had to throw it with enough velocity to make it stick in him. I channeled Achillies and impaled the fucking guy. Also I silently, reluctantly, thanked my college track coach for making me throw javalin.
There was a rope climb, a quintessential test of upper body strength, but to throw a fuck you spin on it, all competitors start neck deep in water.
Our team of 4 split unofficially into teams of 2. Salvo and I being the quicker, smaller, scrappy team to John and Sam's fucking beast mode. It made for an interesting equalizer though. The obstacles themselves favored brute strength where the demands of the hill running favored the smaller athletes. It's a stretch to say that burpees favor anyone. Keeping them to a minimum is advisable. A set of 30 consecutive burpees in and of themselves is taxing, never mind mid race on uneven muddy terrain.
Their slogan is "The Spartan Race: You'll Know at the Finish Line." They should change it to "The Spartan Race: Remind Yourself You Still Have Balls." Maybe offensive to the women that do the race (and do it well).
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Terms of Enrampagement
It's a working title.
Monday is garbage day and as Rocco from Rocco's Modern life will tell you, "Garbage day is a very dangerous day." Last week I beat the trash man to the punch before the truck was making it's second go around. Having just come back from a vacation there was only one trash bag so I didn't see the need to keep it in the barrel right?
Wrong.
Within minutes after putting the bag to the curb seagulls and crows were beaking that thing to high Hades. I began furiously searching my place for objects to hurl at those foul creatures. I eventually settled on just running out and yelling obscenities at them. I had to pick up my stinking scattered trash AND use another insanely overpriced Portland trash bag. Irate, I swore revenge and tomorrow I will have it.
Cry havoc and let slip the hogs of war!
Shit.
I just looked it up and it's dogs of war. Whatever farm animal of war, let them slip. I knew it was Shakespeare so half credit.
Tomorrow I bait the trap, trash bag unprotected and in the open, LACED with alka seltzer dissolved in ammonia (Not yet sure if this is plausible). Then rampage. Hey seagulls, did you see Regis today?
BOOM!
I almost want to be wearing camo and smoking a cigarette doing this (although the two are somewhat contradictory).
Monday is garbage day and as Rocco from Rocco's Modern life will tell you, "Garbage day is a very dangerous day." Last week I beat the trash man to the punch before the truck was making it's second go around. Having just come back from a vacation there was only one trash bag so I didn't see the need to keep it in the barrel right?
Wrong.
Within minutes after putting the bag to the curb seagulls and crows were beaking that thing to high Hades. I began furiously searching my place for objects to hurl at those foul creatures. I eventually settled on just running out and yelling obscenities at them. I had to pick up my stinking scattered trash AND use another insanely overpriced Portland trash bag. Irate, I swore revenge and tomorrow I will have it.
Cry havoc and let slip the hogs of war!
Shit.
I just looked it up and it's dogs of war. Whatever farm animal of war, let them slip. I knew it was Shakespeare so half credit.
Tomorrow I bait the trap, trash bag unprotected and in the open, LACED with alka seltzer dissolved in ammonia (Not yet sure if this is plausible). Then rampage. Hey seagulls, did you see Regis today?
BOOM!
I almost want to be wearing camo and smoking a cigarette doing this (although the two are somewhat contradictory).
Friday, March 30, 2012
Can The Old Horse Still Run?
Coming out of retirement. Contacted by one of my college room mates who wants me to anchor his 4x400 relay team. Haven't run competitively for 5 or 6 years. What the hell am I thinking? 15 dollar entry fee was probably what I was thinking and a chance to relive the glory days except for one thing.
Division III track was hardly the glory days.
I performed well, hardly won any races, but above all, it just wasn't fun anymore.
In getting a chance to participate in a track meet once again, the temptation was there to attempt events that I've never done, always wanted to, but the coach forbade it. Enter the steeplechase. Ridiculous concept to run a long distance race with hurdles and a friggen pool of water. It was tempting to consider but ultimately for my own piece of mind, I need to answer just one question:
Do I still have competitive 400m speed?
A murderous race blending speed and endurance to both of their respective limits. I found I was adept at running fast for longer periods of time. There were those who could run longer, and those who could run quicker, but to do both in a race is rare. It's a race of heart, not strategy.
When it gets to that last 100m, cinder blocks in your legs, battery acid in your viens, and tunnel vision setting in, that's when you find out what you're made of. All form goes to hell and you just push. I miss that.
Not thrilled about going against college athletes that have been training for months but I haven't worked out this hard or consistently since... ever, really. My old college will be there and the motivation to beat their athletes as like a "screw you. Bet you wish I ran past my freshman year" thing is lacking. That would be making it about them when I'd rather just run my balls off and hopefully post a time that I can live with.
Everyone wants to continue their legacy.
Division III track was hardly the glory days.
I performed well, hardly won any races, but above all, it just wasn't fun anymore.
In getting a chance to participate in a track meet once again, the temptation was there to attempt events that I've never done, always wanted to, but the coach forbade it. Enter the steeplechase. Ridiculous concept to run a long distance race with hurdles and a friggen pool of water. It was tempting to consider but ultimately for my own piece of mind, I need to answer just one question:
Do I still have competitive 400m speed?
A murderous race blending speed and endurance to both of their respective limits. I found I was adept at running fast for longer periods of time. There were those who could run longer, and those who could run quicker, but to do both in a race is rare. It's a race of heart, not strategy.
When it gets to that last 100m, cinder blocks in your legs, battery acid in your viens, and tunnel vision setting in, that's when you find out what you're made of. All form goes to hell and you just push. I miss that.
Not thrilled about going against college athletes that have been training for months but I haven't worked out this hard or consistently since... ever, really. My old college will be there and the motivation to beat their athletes as like a "screw you. Bet you wish I ran past my freshman year" thing is lacking. That would be making it about them when I'd rather just run my balls off and hopefully post a time that I can live with.
Everyone wants to continue their legacy.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Achilles
Working an overnight into St. Patty's day. Thinking about buying some 6 dollar tee shirts but I have so many graphic tees as it is. Gotta find out who The Roomie used to make his tee shirt quilt and how much it cost. Good way for the shirts to live on. Some of these ones are so gosh darn funny, I wish I had thought of them. Come to think of it, The Roomie and I spent many a college night dreaming up ideas for funny tee shirts. Usually, I would coin some clever catch phrase possibly relevant to our college (but not necessarily). So many so that we had contemplated a side business. I highly doubt we could compete with 6 dollar tee shirts.
Being called a rat isn't always the worst thing. Not when someone accuses you of being a gym rat. That means you've infested the place, taken up residence there. Hopefully not spreading disease or pestilence. True to my nature I always need something to train for. This time it's a destination wedding in Jamaica. But it's really more than that. Young Brad Pitt is my inspiration. I was delighted to learn that we share the same body type, ectomorph. Naturally leaner, difficulty gaining muscle or weight, high metabolism. I had never realized how important it is to lift within your body type and be very specific about what your goal is. My goal is somewhere between Snatch and Troy. Very low body fat percentage. High reps, little to no rest. Pick a muscle group for the day and beat the hell out of it, then rest that muscle the rest of the week. That's cool, I've done similar style workouts before but this time I have an ace up my sleeve:
Food Control.
I've never in my life been this disciplined with respect to diet. I cringe even saying the word diet. My best friends have been chicken breast, steamed veggies, brown rice, protein bars and shakes, salmon, nuts and seeds.
I'm training like I have a chip on my shoulder, like I have something to prove. Of course there's the traditional motivations to be fit and healthy. I want more. I want to run people into the ground and destroy any competition. I want to peak. My friends and family have seen a little less of me and when we have get togethers I have to turn down their delicious pasta dishes. I go to the gym and talk to no one. Put my white Nike hat and headphones on it's go time. Revamped the lifting mix with key tracks "Fucking in the bushes" by Oasis, (from the end scene in Snatch) "Flashing Lights" and "Amazing" by Kanye, and of course "Iron" by Woodkid.
A shame the only cardio I can do is interval training (more fat burning and less muscle wasting than traditional distance running). Set the treadmill at 11mph running pace and 6.5mph rest. It's tough but no more so than some of the sprint workouts I'm going to put myself through this summer.
To get pumped I've watched Rocky movies, Snatch, and Troy. The character of achilles is so badass and cocky. He could easily back up If ever I'm feeling sluggish or unmotivated I keep shirtless pictures of Brad Pitt on my iPhone.
Yeah, kinda weird. Works though.
Being called a rat isn't always the worst thing. Not when someone accuses you of being a gym rat. That means you've infested the place, taken up residence there. Hopefully not spreading disease or pestilence. True to my nature I always need something to train for. This time it's a destination wedding in Jamaica. But it's really more than that. Young Brad Pitt is my inspiration. I was delighted to learn that we share the same body type, ectomorph. Naturally leaner, difficulty gaining muscle or weight, high metabolism. I had never realized how important it is to lift within your body type and be very specific about what your goal is. My goal is somewhere between Snatch and Troy. Very low body fat percentage. High reps, little to no rest. Pick a muscle group for the day and beat the hell out of it, then rest that muscle the rest of the week. That's cool, I've done similar style workouts before but this time I have an ace up my sleeve:
Food Control.
I've never in my life been this disciplined with respect to diet. I cringe even saying the word diet. My best friends have been chicken breast, steamed veggies, brown rice, protein bars and shakes, salmon, nuts and seeds.
I'm training like I have a chip on my shoulder, like I have something to prove. Of course there's the traditional motivations to be fit and healthy. I want more. I want to run people into the ground and destroy any competition. I want to peak. My friends and family have seen a little less of me and when we have get togethers I have to turn down their delicious pasta dishes. I go to the gym and talk to no one. Put my white Nike hat and headphones on it's go time. Revamped the lifting mix with key tracks "Fucking in the bushes" by Oasis, (from the end scene in Snatch) "Flashing Lights" and "Amazing" by Kanye, and of course "Iron" by Woodkid.
A shame the only cardio I can do is interval training (more fat burning and less muscle wasting than traditional distance running). Set the treadmill at 11mph running pace and 6.5mph rest. It's tough but no more so than some of the sprint workouts I'm going to put myself through this summer.
To get pumped I've watched Rocky movies, Snatch, and Troy. The character of achilles is so badass and cocky. He could easily back up If ever I'm feeling sluggish or unmotivated I keep shirtless pictures of Brad Pitt on my iPhone.
Yeah, kinda weird. Works though.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
I Am Jack's Smirking Revenge
Too many bad/weird dreams as of late. I hope it's not suggestive of some inner turmoil of sorts. One about my late Grandfather about which I won't get into detail. One about a black gentleman that I performed CPR on (successfully) but still it was scary and one about a war.
I was a soldier in a war against Russia. In some dilapidated Russian village I had the assignment of securing a nearby building, by any means necessarily. I had what I think is a .22 rifle, which, according to my father is difficult to kill someone with. But I shot and killed nearly everyone in the building, reluctantly of course. I felt the actual dread and weight of my actions within and long after my dream. War has steadily climbed my list of most disliked things.
I don't take any medications, what is causing these wild dreams?
I rest part of the blame with the show Rescue me, which is so loaded with outrageous emotionally extreme situations that anybody, even someone as seemingly emotionally distant as I am, is a little affected/effected (Could never sort those two out).
I need to watch Rocky 4 and reassure myself that Rocky Balboa thwarted actual war with Russia. How come this history books conveniently leave that out??
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Tubes, Fucking Tubes
The following is an e-mail I sent to K-Swiss:
Dear K-Swiss Footwear,
I'm writing this thank you e-mail on behalf of myself, an lifetime runner and once upon a time track star. I'll admit it, I was skeptical at first regarding the performance of your K-Swiss "Tubes" but the ad featuring Danny McBride as Kenny Powers could not be ignored. Brilliant work ladies and gentleman. The ad (which I watch from time to time and laugh without fail) promised a high performance and versatile shoe. You have made good on your word. After a year of abuse on trails, tracks, work, and everyday life, my first pair of Tubes is holding up as responsive and supportive as the day I got them. I was apprehensive regarding the tubes portion of the shoe, speculating that it's design would be susceptible to accumulation of dirt and debris, decreasing the traction. However today I ran five miles undaunted through a muddied wet terrain at a brisk pace and was confident in your product. As a matter of fact, that run was when I began the first draft of this e-mail. So keep up the good work ladies and gentleman, you have successfully converted a former New Balance and Asics customer.
Very truly yours,
Al Axelsen
I recently purchased my second pair of Tubes.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Assassin's Update
Took a faceplant into Assassin's Creed: Revelations. Since it came out on the 15th I've been jacked in nearly all of my free time. With such an engaging story I'm surprised so far at the vibe from it. It seems almost upbeat. The italics represents a mild bewilderment. Constantinople has left a lot to be desired in terms of scenery, what could compare with a setting like Italy anyway? In the past three games, the background has been so lively that at the risk of sounding cliche, it felt like I was there. I suppose Constantinople is meant to have a grittier feel to it. The "crossroads of the world," as they call it, probably didn't sparkle as much as we picture the more glamorized and romanticised Roma.
Ezio reprises his role as what I would consider the main character. And why not? It's in Ezio that I think the audience most identifies, with whom we've spent the most time, and ultimately who we care about most. However his time in Constantinople has appeared to be less of a struggle than one would've surmised following the trailer. True he is considerably older. You might say he appears weathered, in both the face and the attire (I love the choice of putting him in gray faded robes vs. the bright flamboyant ones of the Renaissance era). Despite his responsibility to the order, to Desmond, and the world (unknowingly) he retains a sparkle in his eye and the flair for the occasional joke. Consistent with the last game, Ezio recruits Assassins. However this time there are built in missions following recruitment to advance, teach, and cement your recruits as master assassins. Which brings me to another observation regarding the assassin hierarchy. The highest possible position is not master assassin, as logic would dictate. The highest rank one could hope to hold as an assassin is mentor, which in this title, Ezio achieves. In this rank with near limitless control of your assassins, they treat you more personally, more like a treasured, respected, elder rather than a superior office. As Ezio, you have the option to develop and groom your assassins in one on one missions complete with mini stories.
By the way, today there was a tick on my back. Don't know where it came from, but we pulled it out. Close call.
I'm roughly 3/4 of the way through the game and still awaiting the answers we've all sought so desperately. What is the truth? Will Desmond emerge as a master assassin? Will Ezio die a magnificent and bold death (complete with tough guy smile in the face of doom).
That's the part of the story I'm simultaneously looking forward to and not looking forward to. Ezio's final quest and it's epic conclusion. He must die for Desmond to achieve a sync nexus (too technical to get into). But that element, the old man with nothing to lose, the willing martyr storyline is so compelling I can't possibly not know what happens to him (happened).
I'm just not sure if the ending could ever satisfy my expectations and it's all the fault of that god damn trailer and how epic that was.
Stay tuned. Who am I kidding? No one reads this.
Ezio reprises his role as what I would consider the main character. And why not? It's in Ezio that I think the audience most identifies, with whom we've spent the most time, and ultimately who we care about most. However his time in Constantinople has appeared to be less of a struggle than one would've surmised following the trailer. True he is considerably older. You might say he appears weathered, in both the face and the attire (I love the choice of putting him in gray faded robes vs. the bright flamboyant ones of the Renaissance era). Despite his responsibility to the order, to Desmond, and the world (unknowingly) he retains a sparkle in his eye and the flair for the occasional joke. Consistent with the last game, Ezio recruits Assassins. However this time there are built in missions following recruitment to advance, teach, and cement your recruits as master assassins. Which brings me to another observation regarding the assassin hierarchy. The highest possible position is not master assassin, as logic would dictate. The highest rank one could hope to hold as an assassin is mentor, which in this title, Ezio achieves. In this rank with near limitless control of your assassins, they treat you more personally, more like a treasured, respected, elder rather than a superior office. As Ezio, you have the option to develop and groom your assassins in one on one missions complete with mini stories.
By the way, today there was a tick on my back. Don't know where it came from, but we pulled it out. Close call.
I'm roughly 3/4 of the way through the game and still awaiting the answers we've all sought so desperately. What is the truth? Will Desmond emerge as a master assassin? Will Ezio die a magnificent and bold death (complete with tough guy smile in the face of doom).
That's the part of the story I'm simultaneously looking forward to and not looking forward to. Ezio's final quest and it's epic conclusion. He must die for Desmond to achieve a sync nexus (too technical to get into). But that element, the old man with nothing to lose, the willing martyr storyline is so compelling I can't possibly not know what happens to him (happened).
I'm just not sure if the ending could ever satisfy my expectations and it's all the fault of that god damn trailer and how epic that was.
Stay tuned. Who am I kidding? No one reads this.
Friday, November 11, 2011
DO YOU REMEMBER TOM BRADY BACK WHEN HE WAS JUST A FOOTBALL PLAYER? You know, back when it never would have occurred to him to have a personal logo, let alone wear hats covered in it. Before Gisele, before the bangs, before the stream of photos and videos became a TMZ flood. Patriots president Jonathan Kraft offers a tale to help jog our memories.
It was the first night of Brady's rookie minicamp, just days after the 2000 draft, and the quarterback -- last on the depth chart and no lock to make the team -- was walking out of old Foxboro Stadium, pizza box in hand, to catch the shuttle back to his motel. On his way to the bus, he ran into Bob Kraft, the Patriots owner and Jonathan's father. Brady started to introduce himself, but Kraft interrupted, saying he knew who the kid was, the team's sixth-round pick out of Michigan. Unshaken, Brady looked his new boss in the eye and said, "I just want you to know, I'm the best decision your franchise has ever made." When the elder Kraft later relayed the story to his son, he added, "There was something about the way he said it and the way he looked that I believed him."
Of course, in just two quick years the kid made good by winning the Super Bowl. In that iconic shot of him with his hands clasped over his head on the Superdome victory dais, the look on his face is so shell-shocked, so genuine, you get the sense he couldn't quite believe what had just happened or what he'd just done. His humility felt real, and it carried over to several aw-shucks performances on the champions circuit.
Few star athletes have ever fit the narrative of a city better than Brady did Boston back in those early years. The chip-on-their-shoulder lifers from Southie and other neighborhoods could marvel at Brady's rags-to-riches story. Meanwhile, the Boston intellectual class (it is the Athens of America, you know) could proudly point to how their quarterback used brain over brawn. Two Bostons, unified by one QB.
But that's not how longtime locals -- including me -- think of Tom Brady anymore. These days, he's more paragon of perfection than human. Walled off by his high-flying lifestyle, he simply floats above the hoi polloi. And makes ads for Uggs. Strange as it is to say, while Brady is certainly appreciated here in Boston, he is no longer truly loved.
Boston fans embrace their teams wholeheartedly and want to be embraced back. We're a little bit psycho that way. The 2003-07 Red Sox were so adored, in part because they reveled in the two-way relationship. How many other teams ever had players run out of the ballpark while still in their uniforms and cleats to celebrate with fans? Red Sox "idiots" Kevin Millar, Derek Lowe, Gabe Kapler and others did it. Millar was also known to hop over bars to serve drinks.
"I don't think anyone could imagine having a beer with Tom Brady," says Dick Johnson, curator of the New England Sports Museum. "There's a distance there."
Indeed, Brady seems to spend most of his free time elsewhere, including New York. He's even been caught wearing -- horror of horrors -- a Yankees hat. Between that and his gallivanting to Costa Rica, Brazil and California, you've got to wonder: Who does this guy think he is? Have you seen the shot of him riding a scooter? It's like our petty judgments mean nothing to him. All of this serves to keep Boston fans at a distance; we want to hug him, but all we get is air. Or, as Johnson puts it, "He's a brother from a different planet." The rest of the country may see him as the ultimate symbol of Boston's decade of dominance, but these days Tom Brady is no Bostonian.
Boston is a city founded on the twin pillars of shame and guilt, says Suffolk University historian Robert Allison. Our Puritan forebears lived their lives knowing that no matter what they did, it would never be enough for their wrathful god. The Catholics and Jews who arrived later lived knowing that no matter what they did, it would never be enough for their mothers. It's no surprise then that the locals carry both a residual "sense of sinfulness" and of "not quite measuring up," says Allison. As a result, we're deeply suspicious of anyone who seems perfect. You know, like Brady. "We like people who have flaws," Allison says. "Because we have flaws."
Boston also remains a provincial city. In the 19th century, when New York snatched Boston's title as the commercial center of America, people here developed a decided chip on their shoulders (cads from that city to the south like to call it a complex). If Boston could not be a business capital, then, by God, the city would be an intellectual and cultural hub. There's a famous story from that time of a Boston woman being asked why she doesn't travel. Her response: "I'm already here."
With such high self-regard, Boston has always prized loyalty to the tried and true -- reinforced by our resistance to stylish fads. It's not for nothing that GQ just named us the worst-dressed city in America. In that light, let's consider the great Yankees cap controversy of 2007. It was bad enough that Brady was caught wearing an interlocking "NY" on his head. But what made it worse was that he was wearing it as a fashion statement. He's from the Bay Area and isn't even a Yankees fan!
Yet there he was, walking the streets of Manhattan in what appeared to be a New EraFifty 59 flat-brim (slightly curved, but still), the type that's become fashionable pretty much everywhere in America & except Boston. Here, you see people wearing only curved-brim cotton caps (and they work very hard on those curves). They're less stylish, but tradition demands that you wear your Red Sox hat until it falls apart. In fact, how faded your hat is tells other diehards how devout and long-standing a fan you are. (For instance, my hat has turned from navy to a disgusting and unnatural shade of gray.) Time plus loyalty, multiplied by tradition, equals status in Boston.
But it goes beyond fashion: No sports star in Boston history has ever become so much bigger than the city. "He's the first global superstar we've had in Boston," says curator Johnson. "If he appears in Paris or Rio with Gisele, he's in the society or gossip page of an international newspaper." When he decided to skip workouts in Foxboro to spend more time at his California digs a few years ago, it caused a mini media storm. "Even though we're the greatest sports city in the world, our heroes tend to be, I wouldn't say provincial, but they're ours," says Johnson.
What's worse is that even when Brady is here, he's not. This is his 12th year with the Patriots, and yet we hardly know him. "It's like he walks around in an invisible glass shield," says Ryan. "You'll see reports of him dining with Gisele somewhere, but you don't ever hear about any encounters. He never says or does a wrong thing that would have anybody think ill of him."
That stands in direct contrast to someone like Paul Pierce. Who can forget when the Celtics forward was stabbed during a fight in a Boston club in 2000? These days, though, he blogs for Boston.com, sponsors a prominent child-health initiative and talks sincerely about what it means to him to be a Celtic. It's a hard thing to convince someone from outside Boston that a black guy from Inglewood, Calif., has become more a part of the city than our lily-white quarterback, but it's the truth. We've had our ups and downs with Pierce and come out on top.
Brady, on the other hand, has never allowed us to see his flaws, so the triumphs feel different. As Ryan points out, his only blemish is the messy way his relationship ended with actress Bridget Moynahan, the mother of his first child. But Brady even managed to play that off smoothly. As Ryan says, "He just is Teflon."
Of course, you may think I'm crazy. Jonathan Kraft certainly did. "With all due respect," he began (that's never a good sign), "both in the stadium and when I'm with him outside of the stadium, I'm not sure I've ever seen another Boston athlete who gets that type of adoration."
But adulation isn't love. Consider this: What if Tom Brady weren't a winner? Say he was a very good quarterback who'd never hoisted the Lombardi trophy. Would Boston fans still put up with all those exotic extracurriculars? "He would have been run out of town," Allison opines.
Perhaps it's instructive to look at a Boston athlete who, for all his personal success, never won a title here. For 21 years, Ray Bourque was one of the greatest players in Bruins history, and despite hailing from Quebec, he thoroughly enmeshed himself into Boston. "I always thought I'd go back to Montreal and settle," he says. "Once I had kids, I knew we weren't going anywhere. Boston is home." Bruins fans loved Bourque so much that when he finally did hoist the Stanley Cup -- as a member of the Colorado Avalanche in 2001 -- they threw him a parade. "Ray became part of the family," says Cleon Daskalakis, Bourque's manager. "But Tom became bigger than New England."
It's a hard point to argue. Even now, a decade after he retired, Bourque can tick off a list of Boston spots where he's a regular, from his local pizza place to the dry cleaners. He says he enjoys the "nice little chats" and "can't remember a bad experience with a fan."
Admittedly, it's unfair to Brady to suggest that he doesn't run errands or talk to his dry cleaner like everyone else. But the point is that it's nearly impossible to imagine him in the rest of Boston's mundane world. That's not to say fans here would trade the last decade of football dominance -- just that it's a little awkward. He's not family. "If I saw him somewhere, I'd look, but I'd almost go the other way," says Johnson. "He's already given enough to me as a fan. I don't need to intrude. Just hands off. He's special."
It was the first night of Brady's rookie minicamp, just days after the 2000 draft, and the quarterback -- last on the depth chart and no lock to make the team -- was walking out of old Foxboro Stadium, pizza box in hand, to catch the shuttle back to his motel. On his way to the bus, he ran into Bob Kraft, the Patriots owner and Jonathan's father. Brady started to introduce himself, but Kraft interrupted, saying he knew who the kid was, the team's sixth-round pick out of Michigan. Unshaken, Brady looked his new boss in the eye and said, "I just want you to know, I'm the best decision your franchise has ever made." When the elder Kraft later relayed the story to his son, he added, "There was something about the way he said it and the way he looked that I believed him."
Of course, in just two quick years the kid made good by winning the Super Bowl. In that iconic shot of him with his hands clasped over his head on the Superdome victory dais, the look on his face is so shell-shocked, so genuine, you get the sense he couldn't quite believe what had just happened or what he'd just done. His humility felt real, and it carried over to several aw-shucks performances on the champions circuit.
Few star athletes have ever fit the narrative of a city better than Brady did Boston back in those early years. The chip-on-their-shoulder lifers from Southie and other neighborhoods could marvel at Brady's rags-to-riches story. Meanwhile, the Boston intellectual class (it is the Athens of America, you know) could proudly point to how their quarterback used brain over brawn. Two Bostons, unified by one QB.
But that's not how longtime locals -- including me -- think of Tom Brady anymore. These days, he's more paragon of perfection than human. Walled off by his high-flying lifestyle, he simply floats above the hoi polloi. And makes ads for Uggs. Strange as it is to say, while Brady is certainly appreciated here in Boston, he is no longer truly loved.
Boston fans embrace their teams wholeheartedly and want to be embraced back. We're a little bit psycho that way. The 2003-07 Red Sox were so adored, in part because they reveled in the two-way relationship. How many other teams ever had players run out of the ballpark while still in their uniforms and cleats to celebrate with fans? Red Sox "idiots" Kevin Millar, Derek Lowe, Gabe Kapler and others did it. Millar was also known to hop over bars to serve drinks.
"I don't think anyone could imagine having a beer with Tom Brady," says Dick Johnson, curator of the New England Sports Museum. "There's a distance there."
Indeed, Brady seems to spend most of his free time elsewhere, including New York. He's even been caught wearing -- horror of horrors -- a Yankees hat. Between that and his gallivanting to Costa Rica, Brazil and California, you've got to wonder: Who does this guy think he is? Have you seen the shot of him riding a scooter? It's like our petty judgments mean nothing to him. All of this serves to keep Boston fans at a distance; we want to hug him, but all we get is air. Or, as Johnson puts it, "He's a brother from a different planet." The rest of the country may see him as the ultimate symbol of Boston's decade of dominance, but these days Tom Brady is no Bostonian.
Boston is a city founded on the twin pillars of shame and guilt, says Suffolk University historian Robert Allison. Our Puritan forebears lived their lives knowing that no matter what they did, it would never be enough for their wrathful god. The Catholics and Jews who arrived later lived knowing that no matter what they did, it would never be enough for their mothers. It's no surprise then that the locals carry both a residual "sense of sinfulness" and of "not quite measuring up," says Allison. As a result, we're deeply suspicious of anyone who seems perfect. You know, like Brady. "We like people who have flaws," Allison says. "Because we have flaws."
Boston also remains a provincial city. In the 19th century, when New York snatched Boston's title as the commercial center of America, people here developed a decided chip on their shoulders (cads from that city to the south like to call it a complex). If Boston could not be a business capital, then, by God, the city would be an intellectual and cultural hub. There's a famous story from that time of a Boston woman being asked why she doesn't travel. Her response: "I'm already here."
With such high self-regard, Boston has always prized loyalty to the tried and true -- reinforced by our resistance to stylish fads. It's not for nothing that GQ just named us the worst-dressed city in America. In that light, let's consider the great Yankees cap controversy of 2007. It was bad enough that Brady was caught wearing an interlocking "NY" on his head. But what made it worse was that he was wearing it as a fashion statement. He's from the Bay Area and isn't even a Yankees fan!
Yet there he was, walking the streets of Manhattan in what appeared to be a New EraFifty 59 flat-brim (slightly curved, but still), the type that's become fashionable pretty much everywhere in America & except Boston. Here, you see people wearing only curved-brim cotton caps (and they work very hard on those curves). They're less stylish, but tradition demands that you wear your Red Sox hat until it falls apart. In fact, how faded your hat is tells other diehards how devout and long-standing a fan you are. (For instance, my hat has turned from navy to a disgusting and unnatural shade of gray.) Time plus loyalty, multiplied by tradition, equals status in Boston.
But it goes beyond fashion: No sports star in Boston history has ever become so much bigger than the city. "He's the first global superstar we've had in Boston," says curator Johnson. "If he appears in Paris or Rio with Gisele, he's in the society or gossip page of an international newspaper." When he decided to skip workouts in Foxboro to spend more time at his California digs a few years ago, it caused a mini media storm. "Even though we're the greatest sports city in the world, our heroes tend to be, I wouldn't say provincial, but they're ours," says Johnson.
What's worse is that even when Brady is here, he's not. This is his 12th year with the Patriots, and yet we hardly know him. "It's like he walks around in an invisible glass shield," says Ryan. "You'll see reports of him dining with Gisele somewhere, but you don't ever hear about any encounters. He never says or does a wrong thing that would have anybody think ill of him."
That stands in direct contrast to someone like Paul Pierce. Who can forget when the Celtics forward was stabbed during a fight in a Boston club in 2000? These days, though, he blogs for Boston.com, sponsors a prominent child-health initiative and talks sincerely about what it means to him to be a Celtic. It's a hard thing to convince someone from outside Boston that a black guy from Inglewood, Calif., has become more a part of the city than our lily-white quarterback, but it's the truth. We've had our ups and downs with Pierce and come out on top.
Brady, on the other hand, has never allowed us to see his flaws, so the triumphs feel different. As Ryan points out, his only blemish is the messy way his relationship ended with actress Bridget Moynahan, the mother of his first child. But Brady even managed to play that off smoothly. As Ryan says, "He just is Teflon."
Of course, you may think I'm crazy. Jonathan Kraft certainly did. "With all due respect," he began (that's never a good sign), "both in the stadium and when I'm with him outside of the stadium, I'm not sure I've ever seen another Boston athlete who gets that type of adoration."
But adulation isn't love. Consider this: What if Tom Brady weren't a winner? Say he was a very good quarterback who'd never hoisted the Lombardi trophy. Would Boston fans still put up with all those exotic extracurriculars? "He would have been run out of town," Allison opines.
Perhaps it's instructive to look at a Boston athlete who, for all his personal success, never won a title here. For 21 years, Ray Bourque was one of the greatest players in Bruins history, and despite hailing from Quebec, he thoroughly enmeshed himself into Boston. "I always thought I'd go back to Montreal and settle," he says. "Once I had kids, I knew we weren't going anywhere. Boston is home." Bruins fans loved Bourque so much that when he finally did hoist the Stanley Cup -- as a member of the Colorado Avalanche in 2001 -- they threw him a parade. "Ray became part of the family," says Cleon Daskalakis, Bourque's manager. "But Tom became bigger than New England."
It's a hard point to argue. Even now, a decade after he retired, Bourque can tick off a list of Boston spots where he's a regular, from his local pizza place to the dry cleaners. He says he enjoys the "nice little chats" and "can't remember a bad experience with a fan."
Admittedly, it's unfair to Brady to suggest that he doesn't run errands or talk to his dry cleaner like everyone else. But the point is that it's nearly impossible to imagine him in the rest of Boston's mundane world. That's not to say fans here would trade the last decade of football dominance -- just that it's a little awkward. He's not family. "If I saw him somewhere, I'd look, but I'd almost go the other way," says Johnson. "He's already given enough to me as a fan. I don't need to intrude. Just hands off. He's special."
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
It Takes a Big Man to Cry, It Takes a Bigger Man to Laugh at the Crying Man
Alright investors, entrepneurs, listen up. I've got an idea for a TV network for an under-recognized population: The sensitive man. Men will occassionally need extra encouragement from society to get in touch with their emotions so to speak. What better way to access those feelings and emotions than a form of media that's already socially acceptable to feel vicariously through the characters? The sensitive man is out there. In fact according to scrubs (Season 5 episode 21) there's a name for it:
Sensy
Anyway what would a lifetime channel for men be called? What would it air? I at least have some suggestions for the latter question. Some movies and television shows that it is perfectly acceptable to tear up.
- Rudy
- Old yeller
- Saving Private Ryan
- The Shawshank Redemption
- Armaggedon
- Brian's Song
- Rocky
- Braveheart (everybody loves a martyr and a pre-crazy Mel Gibson)
- Rain man
- Remember The Titans
- I Am Legend
Also I'm struggling to decide which is better: Paul Newman's movies or his coffee. I got his coffee in front by a stride or two.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Oh Halloween. Some things have never changed from being little to today. I'm still searching for the best costume. Only now, it's more subtle. I'm always trying to strike the right balance between original enough to avoid being cliché and also recognizable enough so that people know what I'm going for. Basically it's finding that costume that is relevant today, and that hardly anyone else would think of. Tough to do. I remember in college when I thought I had it nailed with the Silver Snakes from Legends of the Hidden Temple. I ran into several other teams.
Very Disheartening.
This year my success is contingent upon people seeing a slightly obscure youtube viral video. The Sexy Sax man Sergio Flores. Actually what my success is really dependant upon is whether or not I'm able to do the following:
A. Obtain an alto saxophone.
B. Learn how to play George Michael's "Careless Whisper.
C. Be able to play the song while moving my hips suggestively.
D. Do all of the above while diverting aggressive female attention (rawer)
I've all but stopped trying to top the previous year's Halloween costume. I've had some brilliant ones in the past. Where group costumes are always a plus, I had the advantage of having a buddy with short dark hair to my long(er) blond hair. That opened up countless scenarios:
1. Bill and Ted
2. Wayne and Garth
3. Hansel and Zoolander
4. Starsky and Hutch
5. Double Dragon
6. etc, etc
There was one more aspect of halloweening that became apparent to me: The shirtless dude.
you know the one.
The one that goes out of his way to have a costume that involves removing or lacking a shirt. The baby, Johnny Cage, Fitness made simple, the Hulk. The guy is muscular; he knows it, now he's taking advantage of one of the few occasions when it's socially acceptable to be shirtless. He wants to let the rest of the world know "Hey, I've been workin' my delts pretty hard." Put down the creatine bro, pick up some subtlety. This is the same guy who insists upon shirts vs. skins.
Call me a hater or a hypocrite. I don't object to scantily clad females on Halloween. In fact, I think party, novelty, or costume stores make it especially hard for girls to not show some skin regardless of what costume they're going for.
I'm gonna be a cop. A slutty cop.
I'm gonna be an Indian. A slutty Indian.
I'm gonna be an astronaut. A slutty astronaut. (What would that be anyway big bulb helmet and bikini?)
Very Disheartening.
This year my success is contingent upon people seeing a slightly obscure youtube viral video. The Sexy Sax man Sergio Flores. Actually what my success is really dependant upon is whether or not I'm able to do the following:
A. Obtain an alto saxophone.
B. Learn how to play George Michael's "Careless Whisper.
C. Be able to play the song while moving my hips suggestively.
D. Do all of the above while diverting aggressive female attention (rawer)
I've all but stopped trying to top the previous year's Halloween costume. I've had some brilliant ones in the past. Where group costumes are always a plus, I had the advantage of having a buddy with short dark hair to my long(er) blond hair. That opened up countless scenarios:
1. Bill and Ted
2. Wayne and Garth
3. Hansel and Zoolander
4. Starsky and Hutch
5. Double Dragon
6. etc, etc
There was one more aspect of halloweening that became apparent to me: The shirtless dude.
you know the one.
The one that goes out of his way to have a costume that involves removing or lacking a shirt. The baby, Johnny Cage, Fitness made simple, the Hulk. The guy is muscular; he knows it, now he's taking advantage of one of the few occasions when it's socially acceptable to be shirtless. He wants to let the rest of the world know "Hey, I've been workin' my delts pretty hard." Put down the creatine bro, pick up some subtlety. This is the same guy who insists upon shirts vs. skins.
Call me a hater or a hypocrite. I don't object to scantily clad females on Halloween. In fact, I think party, novelty, or costume stores make it especially hard for girls to not show some skin regardless of what costume they're going for.
I'm gonna be a cop. A slutty cop.
I'm gonna be an Indian. A slutty Indian.
I'm gonna be an astronaut. A slutty astronaut. (What would that be anyway big bulb helmet and bikini?)
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