Oh Halloween. Some things have never changed from being little to today. I'm still searching for the best costume. Only now, it's more subtle. I'm always trying to strike the right balance between original enough to avoid being cliché and also recognizable enough so that people know what I'm going for. Basically it's finding that costume that is relevant today, and that hardly anyone else would think of. Tough to do. I remember in college when I thought I had it nailed with the Silver Snakes from Legends of the Hidden Temple. I ran into several other teams.




Very Disheartening.



This year my success is contingent upon people seeing a slightly obscure youtube viral video. The Sexy Sax man Sergio Flores. Actually what my success is really dependant upon is whether or not I'm able to do the following:

A. Obtain an alto saxophone.
B. Learn how to play George Michael's "Careless Whisper.
C. Be able to play the song while moving my hips suggestively.
D. Do all of the above while diverting aggressive female attention (rawer)

I've all but stopped trying to top the previous year's Halloween costume. I've had some brilliant ones in the past. Where group costumes are always a plus, I had the advantage of having a buddy with short dark hair to my long(er) blond hair. That opened up countless scenarios:

1. Bill and Ted
2. Wayne and Garth
3. Hansel and Zoolander
4. Starsky and Hutch
5. Double Dragon
6. etc, etc

There was one more aspect of halloweening that became apparent to me: The shirtless dude.



you know the one.



The one that goes out of his way to have a costume that involves removing or lacking a shirt. The baby, Johnny Cage, Fitness made simple, the Hulk. The guy is muscular; he knows it, now he's taking advantage of one of the few occasions when it's socially acceptable to be shirtless. He wants to let the rest of the world know "Hey, I've been workin' my delts pretty hard." Put down the creatine bro, pick up some subtlety. This is the same guy who insists upon shirts vs. skins.

Call me a hater or a hypocrite. I don't object to scantily clad females on Halloween. In fact, I think party, novelty, or costume stores make it especially hard for girls to not show some skin regardless of what costume they're going for.

I'm gonna be a cop. A slutty cop.

I'm gonna be an Indian. A slutty Indian.

I'm gonna be an astronaut. A slutty astronaut. (What would that be anyway big bulb helmet and bikini?)

"Those of us that had been up all night were in no mood for coffee and donuts, we wanted strong drink."
-Raoul Duke Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1998)

Taylor Axelsen Has a Nice Ring To It

It was the strangest dream.  I think we were at my Aunt's place, it was very countryesque, which given the situation, was appropriate.  Taylor Swift and I were to be wed.  We were engaged.  Dreams exist in their own reality.  Where Taylor and I met was unknown, what sparked our romance or our engagement was also mysterious.  It was pretty much "So we're gonna do this thing huh?  Okay."  I just went with it.

And really, why not?

Not so big on country music, let alone her music.  But she seems down to earth, the classic girl next door situation.  She has a lot of miles left on those tires too.  I figure, six more albums easy.  Sooooooo depending on their sales I should be pretty set for life.  I'll still work until the kids are born.  Probably little blondies.

That's the other thing.  I don't particularly care for blondes or  find them especially attractive.  How tall is she any way Google?  5'11"?  Yikes.  I'm clockin in at about 5'8" on a good day.  Good thing I always walk/stand on my toes. 

Also I'm going to have to burn all my Kanye albums.  Shouldn't be too hard I only have one.  The way she handled that situation speaks to her character.  When Kanye finally apologized, she accepted it instantly.  That was one of the biggest nights of her life, Kanye goes to upstage it, stealin' her thunder. 

You know what?  I'm ready Taylor.  Call me up and let's make this thing official.

Itsa ME, Mario! Subtext: Video Game Culture and Al.

There's something inherently relaxing and nostalgic about playing video games for me.  Something in them penetrates and resonates, and brings a special calm in their familiarity.  Thankfully ZNes, my super Nintendo emulator, runs without the internet.  So on the occasions when the internet at my place is on the fritz (all too often) I flip on the oldschool Mario bros to keep my calm in the face of internet crashes.  This prevents the office space printer scene, a rage against a machine, from occurring.  I often wonder regarding fairpoint, what do I pay you people for?!

Video games are a unique medium onto themselves.  The audience is in control of the fate of the characters.  In the last ten years, the storytelling through video games has emerged as an art form.  The characters are as rich and compelling as in any novel one might read or any film one might view.  We, the audience feel especially connected and invested in the character's survival and achievement of their ultimate goals.  Not that the side-scrolling Super Mario Bros and Sonic the Hedgehogs of the world don't deserve their rightful place in videogame history and offer unique stories, but they were limited by their respective times.  In the world of video games, sequels and trilogies rarely meet the resistance they face in film.  There's limitless opportunity for reinvention of the character/story.

The story of the Super Mario Bros is both familiar and unique.  Saving princesses has been around since the early fables however this is usually by a valiant knight, but by a Plummer?!  It also begs the question why would Nintendo, a Japanese company, feature as the main character of their crown franchise, an Italian plummer?  Well a pair actually, my bad Luigi.  Super Mario Bros (1993) the movie takes care to clarify why they are the Mario Brothers with several lines of dialog":

Clerk:  "How many Mario's are there?"
Luigi:  "There's three. Mario Mario, and Luigi Mario."

The enemies, King Koopa later to be dubbed Bowser, is a Dinosaur of sorts, sworn enemy of Mario.  Why is never properly discussed, nor does it need to be.  The baddies, the goombas, bullet bills, koopa troopers, pirhannas, bob-ombs, those fire shooting flower things, are as unique and imaginative as any in popular culture history.  Would you rather see a million identical storm troopers?  Or a variable galleria of unique and interesting enemies?  Just jump on them, easy enough.  Or if you should find yourself lucky enough to get a powerup such as a fire flower or a star, just shoot fireballs or run into them respectively.

Keeping with the originality, Super Mario Brothers boasts one of the most famous and unforgettable themes of all time.  See Super Mario Bros Theme.  It's amazing to me the extent to which video game music has had an impact upon my life.  It's quality music composed for the purpose of eliciting specific emotions or setting certain tones.  In recent years, I've dedicated considerable time, effort, and American dollars to amassing a subgenre of video game music in my iTunes library.

I have always loved video games, though it seems lately my love for them is at odds with the outside world.  When you're a kid, you hardly care what the hell anyone else thinks.  I often struggle with identifying myself as a gamer when I think about all that comes along with that identification.  Namely, avoidance by the opposite sex.

Purchasing a video game instantly brings me back to that excitement of a new game.  Few things could match that anticipation of holding that box or case that the game came in.  Then struggling with its shrink wrap death grip on the case, wrestling it from said case, jamming into the console, skipping the tutorials and playing.  It's difficult to attain video game bliss without having first foreknowledge about the product.

Marketing commercials for video games were once evident on most of today's major TV stations.  Video game commercials are rapidly going the way of the dinosaur.  Enter video game trailers.  Games have become so complex and involving, and the market of gamers is constantly evolving, studios have begun placing ads in the form of mini-trailers to generate excitement regarding the game.  It became apparent to me how long this practice has been in play when I stumbled upon the top 100 game trailers of all time. 

Insert MY FAVORITE GAME TRAILER OF ALL TIME!

Have you caught your breath yet?  How awesome was that?!  And that song?!  Iron by Woodkid.  I swear if there's a battle anywhere, I'm listening to that song beforehand.  The drums and horns are so intense and warlike which is in stark contrast to his near whisper, powerful a whisper as it is.

And lo, a character so near and inspirational to me (despite never having existed) Ezio Auditore da Firenze.  The ancestor of the series' protagonist Desmond Miles in the present.  Not here to recap the entire Assassin's Creed story line mind blowing as it is.  For that please see attached for your attention Assassin's Creed in 3 Minutes.  Crap.  That only gets you through ACI featuring Altair.

Altair fits with the third crusade.  He is rugged, stoic, reserved, determined, and controlled.  In ACII Desmond begins to relieve the memories of his ancestor in the Renaissance era, the aforementioned Ezio Auditore da Firenze.  We enter the story with Ezio at age 17, foolhardy and brash, he suddenly has the weight of the world in responsibility thrust on him with the unjust murders of his father and two brothers.  He dons the Assassin's garb, unaware of the creed itself, and sets about on a revenge mission before soon realizing that his duty will require much more than that.  However, it's that transition from audacious young man, to worldly, driven, and mature assassin that we take with Ezio every step of the way.  It's the coming of age with which the young men are likely to identify.  Though Ezio's is more dramatic, he still grows from his exploits as an assassin.

The aptly titled "Revelations" promises just that, answers.  Each game in the series has ended on such an infuriating and intriguing cliffhanger that fans are foaming at the mouth for answers and closure.  This is the show "Lost" in video game format.  Addicting in its ability to build depth and expand the scope of the story, while leaving you, the viewer at the mercy of the animus for little shreds of answers.  That, and the time and energy you're willing to dedicate to finding those answers.  Bravo, Ubisoft.  I'm a slave to you.

Review on Batman: Arkham City to follow! Stay tuned.

Mid-Conversation

Do you ever catch the tail end of someone's conversation?  When out of context oftentimes the statement can seem quite bizarre.  This scenario works best in passing when someone is on the phone with another individual.  It leaves the listener to wonder what the hell they were discussing and/or to invent or imagine the plausible scenarios that led to that remark.  Three or four recent ones (depending on how many I can recall) are so obscure and incredible that I could not have possibly made them up.

A gentleman leaving Bullmose as I was entering said the following:

"No no.  Let's go to my place.  Ya.  I have slimjims."

As if the selling point for where the two parties were going was solely contingent upon the availability of slimjims.    EAT ME!  Suddenly, I get it.  I couldn't help but picture to college aged gentleman arguing over whose house they were to occupy whilst smoking marijuana and (insert post marijuana smoking activity, or insert nothing because that's perhaps the most appropriate post marijuana smoking activity).

While padio drinking with a friend of mine we saw another gentleman speaking with another individual on his phone.  He seemed to come to a sudden realization and responded:

"Wait wait, is that that fingerpainting with your mom?"

FINGERPAINTING WITH YOUR MOM?  Fingerpainting of your mom?  The activity of fingerpainting with one's mom?  No idea.  Was very tempted to inquire.

While entering a bar, a gentleman was leaving with his friends.  He was out in front and had to turn around to say:

"I'd never seen one that big before."

This was one statement upon which I interjected.  It was too good not to bring to his attention.  It seemed prime time for a "that's what she said" which garnered a fair laugh.  

My mom had the unfortunate luck of calling me while I was in mid conversation, can't remember percisely what about, but I was finishing my statement when I picked up the phone and she heard the last two words of my conversation which were "butt naked."

The world is alive with out of context quotations, many of which are entertaining.  Feel free to share.

Now I see my demons and barely even sleep at night, 
I don't get high, 
Life keep me at a decent height, 
As the old me, 
I predicted all my recent plights, 
Exhausted, trying to fall asleep 
Losses at my recent fights, 
Burdens on my shoulders, now, 
Burning all my motives down, 
Inspiration drying up, 
Motivation slowing down, 

Ben and Jerry's Creme Brulee is so Magnificent, It Defies Explanation. Subtext: A Thank You E-Mail.

Dear Jerry, Dear Ben, Dear employees of Ben and Jerry’s,

                I’ve chosen to address you separately, because to address Ben and Jerry’s is altogether too vague.  Each of you deserves individual thanks and praise for the epiphany that is your Crème Brulee Ice cream.  In this country, whose economy is floundering and uncertain, I vow to singlehandedly sustain your business with my American dollars in exchange for your magical creation that is commercially available.  My eternal unwavering commitment is not without stipulations however.  For my secured business to remain intact please see the following conditions:

1. 1.       Don’t ever stop or discontinue this flavor.
2. 2.       Do not alter any of the ingredients.
3. 3.       See numbers one and two.
4. 4.       Post this letter on the break room refrigerator for Jerry, for Ben, and for all of your employees.

That is all.

Very truly yours,

Al Axelsen

"It's Axelsen Sir...He's Gone Rogue."

Here's my idea for a movie.  I know I’ve been open with this concept and it’s received mixed reviews.  But this may or may not be the opening line of my movie (see title).  The line would be spoken by a nervous looking government agent in a suit with the earpiece to a general of sorts, a larger gentleman with a Jay Lenoesque chin and so many medals and credentials that you wonder what the hell he did to derserve it.

Anyway.  The title line is spoken, and I've written one of two reactions for the general character.

1. Slams fist onto table, exclaims "Dammit!"
2. Turns dramatically toward camera, camera slowly pans forward for a closeup.  Looking terrified the general says in a tone above a whisper, "Noooo."

Cut to a scene of me driving a convertible, top down, in the desert, with a suitcase full of cash and a mustache.  Laughing.  Hot babe optional.

(If you're reading Mila, the offer is on the table.  The part is yours.  Call me.  No seriously.  Call me.)

The movie title would probably be called "Going Rogue" or maybe just "Rogue."  I don't have the budget to cast Sean Connery as the general guy.  Who am I kidding?  I don't have the budget for anything. I'm not entirely convinced he's up to the task anyway.  He's busy with other things.  (Notice how Connery at one point says Rogue?!  Entirely coincidental!)

Many contemporary films begin in the middle of the action, leaving the viewer to piece together on the run.  This makes for more of an interesting plot development as the viewer is forced to pay careful attention to the details.  Unfortunately, that's all I got for a story, just the middle.  And me, starring opposite Sean Connery and maybe Mila Kunis if she's willing to drop the restraining order.

Why me?  It's the name clearly.  Axelsen=badass.  That opening line (see title) just sounds awesome.  Totally reeks of awesomeness.  We'll work out the details later.

C'mon, you wouldn't pay 8 bucks to see that?

If I Can Realize How Much Fun It Is To Be Batman, Why Can't He?

Just a brief one tonight.  There's a certain feel on the Batman character that I feel is underutilized.  You see, there is a certain level of cowboy that comes with the territory of being Batman.  Even at his most subconscious level, he must realize how truly badass it is to be Batman, although he may feel at times not outwardly able to express it.  I think the hardcore Batman fans wouldn't object to seeing a certain degree of that self-realization worked into the plot.  Jim Lee, of all people, managed to convey this without overemphasizing or going all campy 1960's.  It is a matter that must be handled delicately.  Every sentence or action that may express that he enjoys what he is doing as Batman is somewhat in contrast to his Dark avenger status for which he is so famous.

He made an oath to his parents, but that doesn't mean he can't enjoy certain parts of it.

In The All Star Batman and Robin there's a point where Batman is running from rooftop to rooftop, laughing. He says something to the effect of "I've been awake for over three days now, but I've never felt more alive." 

Was it any coincidence that the most light hearted Batman is the Batman with a Robin?

No.

Robin helps to bring that out of him.  I've always been fond of the opposition of their costumes.  Robin dresses in bright reds, yellows, and occasionally green.  This displays total confidence, almost arrogance.  Batman, by contrast, wears dark blues, grays, and of course, black.  With the exception of Zur-en-ahhr resurrected masterfully by Grant Morrison and Tony Daniel.

When one comes to the edge

To the great wall of mountains

The light becomes even more intoxicating

One feels as if he could bound up the side of the mountain in a few great strides

And then, why then, if one did get to the top

One could race like mad along the smooth spine

And jump clear into the sky

One clear headlong flight

Into the blue

And amen

Forever