My college friends like this story more than I do. I’m not fond of the stories where I black out. It’s not flattering and represents lack of self control. What is remarkable and fairly consistent however, is certain portions of my logic and wit remain uninhibited by utter inebriation.
We begin our story post undergrad, however returning to my alma mater, Colby-Sawyer College for a night of drunken revelry. The biggest night on a college campus: Halloween. I make no secret of my insecurities about returning. I never want to stand accused of living in the past or being that guy. I do, however, have many friends that still attend the college, and a stellar consume in the form of Link, the Knight from The Legend of Zelda series.
The cool thing about being a guy that’s sometimes there is that your presence is that much more special. It’s like being a guest star on a hit show. And who has the best lines in sitcoms? The guest stars. I mean, c’mon, they show up and the audience applauds before they can even deliver that first line. And that first line kills man.
This was far from a standout performance from Link the guest star. Arriving to a place where I knew little people and was not nearly as glamorous as my imagination had led me to believe accelerated my drinking. Wife was not around to be the voice of reason. My strategy going into the night was to obtain a good buzz, take some good photos, and make others laugh. Well, I made people laugh, that’s for damn sure.
Officially I had resigned myself to drinking half of my fifth of Jameson. That was until I looked down and it was miraculously three quarters finished. It’s 9pm.
Fuck.
Recalling the times of the events a year plus later is not realistic, darkness fell, and Al was blacked out. Operating on my primal instincts, fight or flight instincts surfaced. I chose flight for wife’s off-campus apartment, more than one mile away.
When I’m drunk I think that I’m the fastest man alive. When I’m blacked out as Link, who knows what I’m thinking. I took off, sword drawn, ready to face any adversary who might stand in my way. Any adversary that is, other than local law enforcement. The flashing blue lights were blinding and managed to penetrate the whiskey haze that was my mind. Instantly, I drop to one knee, sheathing my sword (As though they were truly intimidated by a plastic sword) and begin fishing for my license.
“Son, we normally say this to drivers, but you’re all over the road.”
I start immediately confessing shit. “Yeahhhh I’ve haaaad a few sh- chardonnays.” (Side note, I don’t know how to phonically represent slurring, but rest assured, I was). “Hesh my ID and my Girlfrieeends skaoool ID. Dat’s my girlfien, I swear to god it’s not just some girl I kidnapped.”
Cops laugh “Where are you staying?”
“Up on de campus wif mah friens.”
“Alright son, let’s get you back.”
“Coooooool. Can I Ride shogun?”
“Absolutely not.”
The officers of the law kindly place me in the back of the cruiser and drive what seems like 1000mph back to campus whereupon I or they contact my friend Jon, to claim me I guess. This is where things get really funny.
Picture me, shitfaced dressed as Link, standing between two cops, the three of us arms folded as college kids emerge from a dorm on their way to the dance, all doing their best to act casual. Meanwhile, I, for whatever reason, have adopted an English accent. I notice that the students are doing their best to not make eye contact with the cops. I bring this to their attention.
“W’dja lookit these kids. They don even wanna look at you. They don’t want to get in trouble.”
It’s at this point that I distinctly remember both police officers breaking into uncontrolled laughter. Jon comes to claim me, in between these two cops, and I’m just so pleased to see him, I’m all but homefree. A giant grin, spreads uncontrollably across my face, but Jon refuses to make eye contact with me. It’s game time for him. He’s answering all questions yes sir, no sir, where I have reason to believe I may have called one of the cops dude.
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