Al's New Scheme

I like to mix things up. Keep other people on their toes. Makes life interesting. Recently, I’ve figured out a few new ways to accomplish this. This first one dawned on me when I was in the shower.

Impersonation is fun, but can be both tricky and dangerous. It occurred me that it might be fun to inconvenience people in a restaurant by posing as a waiter, taking their order, then leaving before anyone knows what’s happened. The only downside is I don’t get to, I can’t stick around to see the fruits of my labor. I just have to steal away with the quiet satisfaction that I’ve been a monkey wrench in someone’s plans.

Think of how easy it is! The disguise is simple. Some nice clothes, a polo and khakis, and to tie it all together, the black half apron in which they store their pad for taking orders. It just so happens that I came across just such an apron at Marden’s of all places.

Sidenote: Marden’s is the closest thing to a gypsy market you can get without actually being at a gypsy market. There were so many good buys at Marden’s that it overwhelms the fact that you don’t actually need any of it. Fact is, it’s so cheap it would be stupid not to buy it. These are the principles of consumerism to which I’m most susceptible. I almost bought linoleum for Christ’s sake! Doesn’t matter that I don’t need linoleum or even have a place for it. I might need it at some point. Or someone else might need it and in that situation I become a knight in linoleum armor. Are you really trying to deprive me of that? Are you?

Sorry.

The real trick like so many things is timing. There are so many variables. I see it going down like this. Enter and bypass the hostess if there is one. She's the one that could derail my whole operation. Easiest example is to say I'm going to the bar.

Next is finding the table before the actual waiter gets there. Also tricky, I could get interrupted by an unimpressed employee of a restaurant. I highly doubt he's going to buy it if I tell him, "Oh, I'm the new guy." So busy restaurants work better. There's a greater lag from when the waiter gets there. I also run the risk of the table not being ready with their order, then I'm only potentially screwing them out of drinks. So choosing a more decisive table, preferably regulars with less people.

If it all goes smoothly from there, it's just the exit which should be easy enough. Then hopefully when the real waiter shoes up, the table says they've already been helped, hopefully the waiter buys it. If not, he'll address it with the hostess, and they'll eventually get it straightened out (Dammit!).

In the end all I really want to do is give people questions in their head. Like who spends their free time posing as a waiter and taking peoples' orders then leaving?

This guy. That's who.