Stuff That Just Doesn't Happen That Absolutely Should

When's the last time you've seen someone get thrown through a window? A drink thrown in their face? Slapped in the face? Someone get slammed on a bar, then forcefully slid down the bar knocking all the drinks off on the way?

These sort of things need to find their way into society. And why not? Crazier shit than that is socially acceptable, but let's examine them one by one.

I feel like people getting thrown through windows just doesn't happen anymore. Of course implying that in the back of my head, somewhere in history, throwing people through windows was commonplace. News flash: It was. The evidence lies in their being a word designated for the act of throwing a human being through a window. Enter defenestration or the infinitive to defenestrate. So really my thinking that somewhere in history, throwing people from windows was commonplace is supported by, if nothing else there being a word for such an act. If something occurs enough, there simply has to be a word for it.

Crazy sidenote then I swear I'll get back to defenestration: It occurred to me that there's always a fancy medical term for everything. Well if flatus, or flatulence wasn't objective enough for passing gas or the layperson's farting, there's an agreed upon term straight from the medical community. Enter: bi-labial fricative.

The term "defenestration" was coined around the time of an incident in Prague Castle in the year 1618. The word has its roots in Latin (de=from) and French (fenestra=window or opening). One would be appalled by the frequency of defenestrations throughout history if it weren't so awesome. So why the decline in defenestrations? My suspicions lie in the invention and distribution of firearms being more convenient, available, and user-friendly, than first locating a window, and properly arranging, etc, etc.

I've always dreamt of being out to dinner at a fancy restaurant, or some occasion, and my peripheral vision and acute hearing, I see a situation escalating. More forceful language, increasing volume of voice then BOOM! Like a cobra strike! Drink to the face! This is a clearly recognized act of social de-facing, or insulting. And it's one I'd like to witness in person. Under several circumstances however.

1. First and foremost, the drink cannot be thrown in my face.


2. It must be an alcoholic drink preferably red wine (it stains) or a martini (it probably burns). No water.


3. Has to be spontaneous, no wagers, or strings attached.

I'm less concerned about who's doing the throwing/receiving. The classic example is that of a woman throwing a drink into a man's face, but I'm not picky. It causes a scene and is not easily concealed. I suspect this happens often enough in public that I will one day witness it, and cross it off my list. I suppose if I'm really in a rush to see this, I could attend a High-School reunion incognito and wait for sparks (and drinks) to fly.

Slaps to the face happen often enough, sadly I haven't witnessed a good enough one yet to cross it off the list. I want the circumstances surrounding it to be similar to the drink in the face i.e., not me, and random.

This last one has to be the Holy Grail of stuff that doesn't happen that should. I picture it in my head and cannot, for the life of me, figure out a reason this doesn't happen. Take someone, throw them on the bar, preferably face down, then slide them the length of the bar, running alongside and knocking down all the drinks on the way. Much like defenestration, I have this suspicion that this happened enough times in history to make its way into all the movies. Alas, there does not exist such a word for slamming someone onto a bar, running them the length of the bar and knocking all the drinks on the way.

I suppose the reason this doesn't happen as much as it should lies in the obvious difficulties of subduing someone to the point you can accomplish the rest. Unconscious is a plus, that would make the process streamlined. Fortunately there is no shortage of ways to produce unconsciousness. Hey it's a start.

Next, what about the clothing the person's wearing. Let's pray for something that decreases friction and surface tension, making the process of sliding them down the bar smoother. Perhaps the barkeep can lay down a thin layer of grease or some manner of lubrication. There's so many variables that makes me determine that I will most likely not witness this in my lifetime.

I can only hope.

If Living With Your Parents is Cool, Consider Me Miles Davis

Okay listen little voice inside my head, it's only a problem if I'm 30, living in the basement and watching Dragonball Z (Great show by the way). I hope to be 30, living in my own basement watching Dragonball Z (Such a great show). Alas, I digress.

The reason(s) why I remain home are simple. Apparently about 5 years ago I supposidly signed a bunch of documentments for these things called "loans." Apparently these people want their money back! Correction: They want more than their money back! Hogwash!

My first thought was let's see these alleged documents and verify their authenticity. They produced these documents right away. My next thought was to reach accross the table and ingest these documents. That's right, eat them. Because it was five years ago, what are the chances that they keep several copies of these, I can simply go to trial and claim they never existed. Ipso facto, no student loans. Then I recalled the whole electronic records thing, I can't very well eat those. I tried to convince those at the bank that the paperwork was just a formaility, there must be some sort of misunderstanding. Long story short, while I might be able to talk my way out of many things, I cannot talk (or eat) my way out of 4 year's worth of student loans.

We are all books containing thousands of pages and within each of them lies and IRREPARABLE truth.

Over the past two weeks I've been immersed in Assassin's Creed II. The game offers more than fantastic graphics and revolutionary game play. The story is so in-depth and vast, blending history with fiction (in a plausible way) until you really don't know what to believe or think. This is not to be a review of the game rather a long quote about the nature of Truth, that I believe is very insightful.

Over time, any sentence uttered long and loud enough becomes fixed. Becomes a truth. Provided, of course, you can outlast the dissent and silence your opponents. But should you succeed - and remove all challengers - then what remains is, by default, now true.

Is it truth in some objective sense? No. But how does one ever achieve an objective point of view? The answer is you don't. It is literally, physically impossible. There are too many variables. Too many fields and formulae to consider. We can try, of course. We can inch closer and closer to a revelation. But we'll never reach it. Not ever...

And so I have realized, that so long as my enemies exist, they will attempt to bend reality to their will. The recognize there is no such thing as an absolute truth - or if there is - we are hopelessly underequipped to recognize it. And so in its place, they seek to create their own explanation. It is the guiding principle of their so-named "New World Order" To reshape existence in their own image. It is not about artifacts. Not about men. These are merely tools. It's about concepts. Clever of them. For how does one wage war against a concept?

It is the perfect weapon. It lacks a physical form yet can alter the world around us in numerous, often violent ways.